You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
