the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
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My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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