I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
