What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
