very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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