I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
