Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
