i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
