You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
