you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
