This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
