im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
