So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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