I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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