I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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