dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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