Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
