I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
