Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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