I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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