the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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