Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
