fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
