cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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