shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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