my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
