dude i'm inner monologue high
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
