My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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