omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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