Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
