areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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