if i can run in heels then i can drive
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
