My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
