Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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