She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
