Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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