I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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