it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
