I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
