Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
