Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
