how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
