It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
