watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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