Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
