SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
