So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
