do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
