Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
