Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
