i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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