my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
