Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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