the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
