I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
