What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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