none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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