just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
