After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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