Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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