Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
